I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
He was very considerate of my needs, he offered me pizza before and after.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
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