the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for
My rats are drinking wine. I am drinking with rats. God i am so alone.
I was just "that girl you seen blowing some dude outside when you drove by"
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
