from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I mean, I let him sleep with me after we both ate taco bell sober... That's kinda like love, right?
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
on one hand I spent like $120 last night..on the other that was the best sex of my life
I know you would. And one day, we'll have a moment where i'll verbally assault a stranger for you.
Randomize
