Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
What's more awkward than your little brother in law screaming, "I SAW YOUR TITTIES" at the breakfast table?
His step dad chiming in on the jokes.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Is a 'Dr. Willy Fister Gynecologist' costume appropriate for work?
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
I'm not getting off this floor. I love this floor
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
