So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
