i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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