I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
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