When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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