EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
