Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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