would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
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