Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
I'm ready to sell my soul to the strip club tonight
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I may or may not have puked in the ladies room. Now I get to convince my client to go to substance abuse treatment. Oh, the irony.
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
