Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
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