I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
Dude, I'm not going to use a butt plug.
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
