Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
My god. We'll be gay porn millionaires.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
