DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
so in addition to the two guys I slept with last night, and the third that I turned down this morning, a fourth has appeared. best Valentine's Day ever.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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