my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Boobs are out for the taking
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
