The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Randomize
