And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
The beer is more important than you right now.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
