You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I piss off the neighbors just so I can have someone to compete with.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
