This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
