DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
