just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
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