I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.
Did we do anything stupid last night besides hook up with our ex girlfriends?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
This really high kid past out in the corner of the room holding a box of cheez its in his arm. My idol.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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