Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
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