Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm reffing a fight in Fight Club I don't even know what I'm doing
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
Randomize
