I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
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