What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
