I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
