cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.
if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
New game I thought of while bored on the train. Anytime I get a text from an ex, I will randomly text a different ex. It's like a less charitable version of pay it forward.
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Randomize
