i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
