Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Oh you know just explaining sexual consent to a drunk 80 year old man. How is this my life?
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
