Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
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He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
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He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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