I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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