nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Nothing says I have a hang over like telling your boss to "eat your shit"
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I accidentally brought up how there used to be a big tree in his yard, which I could only have known if I had been Google mapping his house.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
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