So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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