Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
There's a naked man in my car right now.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
