she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
I hate it when fuck holes buy me drinks at the bar. You don't know my order. You don't know me. You don't know where I've been. You don't know my life.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Randomize
