there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Well I think I made it pretty obvious I wasn't in to it. I was drinking a beer while he was going down in me
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
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