i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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