my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Randomize
