Luol and I just scored with two 40 year old married chicks. They dropped us off on the way to soccer prctic. The kids in the back were confused. Call me.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
It's never too late to be topless.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
