Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
A guy at my table is reading a magazine called "Cheese Connoisseur"
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
Randomize
