I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I love seeing the creepers that friend request me outside of facebook. its like seeing a unicorn in the middle of campus.
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
You realize we were screaming in the car about our apartment next year because we can "bring home randoms whenever we want" and "stare at each other from our door ways"
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
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