bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
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