Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Packing for college has become a game of where did I hide my sex toys.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
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