I cant go down on him yet. All ive had to eat is olives and percocet. semen would only add to tomorow mornings discomfort.
Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
He passed out mid-signature
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
