Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
I just realized I'm having shark week, during shark week.
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