i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
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