You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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