if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
My dad assaulted a TSA agent this morning. Shut down airport security. Don't tell me that your family is embarrassing.
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
