Have you finally orgasmed yet?
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
So nowhere in the dress code does it forbid me from showing up to City Hall in a gorilla suit to meet the mayor.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
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