my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
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