Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
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