I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
You made me take a photo of you under the stairs at the bar. "Look I'm Harry Potter."
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
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